


Never

by SociallyAwkwardFox (Maze_Runner_Fae)



Category: Batman - All Media Types, DCU (Comics), Red Hood and the Outlaws (Comics), Red Robin (Comics)
Genre: 5+1 Things, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Heavy Angst, Implied/Referenced Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, M/M, References to Depression, Self-Esteem Issues, Unreliable Narrator, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-17
Updated: 2017-06-17
Packaged: 2018-11-15 08:57:44
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,908
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11227629
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Maze_Runner_Fae/pseuds/SociallyAwkwardFox
Summary: Jason lost his chance at loving him a long time ago, so all he can do is watch others have what he never can.





	Never

Watching the _Replacement_ with the snarky blonde that hated his guts enough to remove them from his body if she had the chance, shouldn’t have made his heart twist the way it did. It shouldn’t make him nauseous to the point of having to turn away to keep from throwing up whatever he had souring in his stomach. There shouldn’t be a green monster slithering up his leg and nuzzling forcefully against the side of his face, wanting him to do something. He shouldn’t feel the way he does about the person that took his spot and the life that should have been his.

Shouldn’ts don’t stop his heart from longing for the gorgeous blue-eyed boy.

Not that longing for him will do Jason much good, when the boy has a girlfriend that’ll be better for him than Jason ever could. She doesn’t have a darkness hiding just below the surface that could rear its head at any moment. They’ve never gotten into a fight so bad they left scars in places obvious to others it could have ended deadly. Their relationship is new and pure and not tinged with blood the way any relationship between the two of them could be.

It’s a thought he has to continually repeat to himself so his jealousy of _Blondie_ doesn’t make him do something he’ll regret. He has to remind himself that it’s better the way things are now and doing anything to change things will just cause unnecessary pain, especially for him.  It’s better to avoid them-just like everyone else-as much as he possibly can and limit any conversation they have to nothing more than a few stilted words. The _Replacement_ didn’t need him in his life and _Blondie_ didn’t want him in it. They had each other and everyone else.

Jason can handle the loneliness.

* * *

 

Things don’t get any easier after _Replacement_ and _Blondie’s_ relationship crumbles like an exploding building. For some reason, Blondie ends up in his territory the night they have their big falling out and follows him silently into one fight after another. He doesn’t pretend to understand why she picked him to come to, but he keeps his mouth firmly shut and lets her tag along. If he thinks it’s going to be a one-time thing, he’s sorely mistaken when his solo patrols turn into partnered patrols at least three times a week. They never talk about why she spends time with him and Jason doesn’t particularly care. She does leave him a little note in one of his safe houses when she decides to leave Gotham for a while.

It’s not long after that, he finds out the _Replacement_ has a new love that’s ten times more annoying than the last. At least _Blondie_ was a fierce force to be reckoned and had a tongue sharp enough to cut, but the new guy has none of that. Sure, he has the bad boy exterior, but there was an obvious sweetness to him that grated on Jason’s nerves. He was so good and pure and nothing like the completely damaged person Jason knows he is. _Supertool_ didn’t have his scars like the rest of them.

Ignoring them is harder than ignoring the other two had been because _Supertool_ has no problem with public displays of affection. Any chance he got, he would run his hands all over the _Replacement’s_ body and press sugary sweet kisses to any part of his face he could reach. It was sickening to watch and he cursed Barbara every time one of her little favors put him right in their path. When he would return to her angry and bitter, she always gave him one of those sad, knowing smiles and presented him with whatever she had promised him in return for his help.

Those were the nights he disappeared to one of his safe houses for the rest of the night and drowned himself in alcohol. It was much easier to fall into a restless sleep when his mind was too numb to properly function and his imagination couldn’t run wild. He didn’t have to worry about seeing the two of them together as soon as his eyes closed because unconsciousness meant darkness. No vivid dreams or memories or anything. Only the pitch black of nothingness wrapping around him.

He only has to put up with it two years.

* * *

 

Deciding whether _Replacement_ ’s brief fling with _Blonde 2.0_ is worse than the thing with _Supertool_ is like picking between a punch to the throat or a kick to the nads. It’s painful in a different way because it’s obvious they’re just grieving and not in love, but it also makes things worse. All they’re looking for is physical contact and that’s something Jason knows he could give. He could be the person he clung to in his grief and used to get rid of all the emotion boiling within him. At this point, Jason would take the only thing he could get with him.

He knows it’s pathetic to want to be nothing more than a warm and willing body, but it’s not like any relationship between the two of them could amount to anything more. There was no trust between the two of them and there never would be any trust on the _Replacement’s_ end. A silvery scar left on his throat made sure of that and no amount of apologizing would make up for nearly killing him.

Jason sealed his own fate a long time ago.

* * *

 

The string of random dates that follows the fling are tiny paper cuts that leave deep scars on every inch of Jason’s heart. They’re all ultimately meaningless and shouldn’t get to Jason, but he finds each one harder to deal with than the last. They all have something that Jason never could and having to really accept that is incredibly difficult, especially with the constant reminders. Constant because he’s no longer able to avoid the _Replacement_ as much as he possibly can in a city as big as Gotham.

Now that _Blondie_ and _Babs_ and _Dick_ and _Cass_ want him around, he’s forced to be in situations that might lead them to crossing paths. It happens much more than Jason even thought possible and it makes him wish he could go back to the days the others didn’t even want to speak to him. He avoids the knowing looks he gets when it happens and does his best to make himself as small as possible to keep attention away from him. The _Replacement_ always gives him a tight-lipped smile, that’s really the best Jason could ever hope for.

It’s not long into the _Replacement’s_ serial dating phase, Jason picks back up the drinking habits he had during his time with _Supertool_. Admittedly, he begins to drink a little more heavily as his constant string of lovers continues, but Jason doesn’t want to think about that. He doesn’t want to think about any of it or what he should do. He just wants to get blackout drunk, so he can sleep for a few hours before the nightmares force him awake.

He’s not sure who _Replacement_ is turning him into.

* * *

 

The non-existent hope Jason clung to for years slips from his suffocating grip when the news gets splattered all over the headlines. She’s got Stephanie’s fierceness without any of the baggage of being one of them and more than enough brains to keep up with him. She’s naturally beautiful and is obviously capable of holding her own in any situation she finds herself thrown into. It’s the kind of relationship the papers and tabloids are already saying will end in a happily ever after.

Jason’s inclined to believe them.

Meeting her only puts the nails in the coffins he’s been trapped in since he laid eyes on the _Replacement_. She’s everything the news has made her out to be and so much more, something Jason didn’t think was possible. The others all adore her and he can’t blame them for easily welcoming her into their family. Nothing makes the pain of being an outsider looking in fade, not the concerned glances sent his way or the gentle brushes against his arms and back. When he gets the opportunity to leave, he takes it and doesn’t look back.

It’s in the middle of getting drunk, an old friend breaks into his safe house and pours his drink down the drain before he can protest. He puts his bow on the table, which disgusts Jason to no end, then drops into a chair with a heavy sigh. There’s nothing that Jason wants more than to kick him out, but he’s drunk enough he knows he’ll most likely end up on the floor. He’s forced to listen to _Roy_ ramble on about something, until he finally gets to the point.

The next day Jason leaves Gotham with no plan to come back.

* * *

 

Coming back to Gotham after leaving without a trace three and a half years ago, is exactly as hard as he expects it to be. While _Dick_ is just happy to have him back, the girls are all furious with him for leaving without so much as a goodbye or a note to know what happened. He gets a punch to the arm and a kick to the shins and a lecture he won’t soon forget. When they’ve all had their turn at him, he’s sure that’ll be the end of things and he’ll be able to get a few hours rest.

He’s nearly blown away when a small, strong body collides into his back just as he’s about to leave the Manor. Arms tighten enough around his waist to make it extremely difficult to turn around in their bruising hold. There’s really no one he could think of that would cling to him so desperately, but the _Replacement_ would have definitely been the last person on the list. He looks up at Jason with such sad eyes, it makes Jason feel uncomfortable and uncertain as he struggles out of the firm hold.

As soon as the arms fall away, Jason takes a step back and searches blindly for the doorknob he knows is there somewhere. The light in the _Replacement_ ’s eyes visibly dims and he takes a huge step away from Jason. There’s a small frown playing along his lips and he opens his mouth like he’s going to say something, but immediately closes it again. His shoulders sag like they can’t hold whatever weight was on them any longer and his head tipped down so Jason could hardly see his face.

There’s two choices he can make and he knows which one he should, but he finds himself making the other. His body swamps the smaller one he’s now towering over and his hand presses against a sharp jawline. He coaxes the _Replacement_ to lift his head up again and has to wipe away the fresh tear tracks staining his porcelain skin.

“You left.”

“I didn’t think you’d care.”

“Of course, I cared.”

“It didn’t seem that way.”

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I thought you wouldn’t… That you’d never… Don’t go. Not again. Never again.”

“I’ll hurt you.”

“I can take it, but you can’t leave.”

“Everybody leaves.”

“No. Not you. You never left. You were never supposed to leave, but you did because of me. I made you, but not again. You won’t leave again.”

“Never.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Comments and kudos always greatly appreciated. You can find me on Tumblr ([SociallyAwkwardFoxWriter](http://sociallyawkwardfoxwriter.tumblr.com/)).


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